That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
