this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
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