under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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