goodnight i made you a song goodbye
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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