I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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