He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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