dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Randomize
