i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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