at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
my poor anus
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
