She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
