Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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