1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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