I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
