there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
