i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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