i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
areolas are like halos for boobs.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
There's a naked man in my car right now.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
