i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
