you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
May the power of my ass compel you!!
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
