I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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