epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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