I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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