May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
