I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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