if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
