Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
i've created a new STD.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
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