This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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