i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
