I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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