I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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