wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
