I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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