just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
