When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
