i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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