I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize