yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
