is your mom at the bar?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
