It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
