Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
