He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
