It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
