We need to rekindle our bromance
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
