Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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