put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
if only i could text you this smell
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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