Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Randomize
