Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
When are your genitals available?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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