I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
