There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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