I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
how does that bad decision feel?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
