The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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