Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
