don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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