i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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