I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Randomize
