Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
