I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
