Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
