She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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