just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
