Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
