Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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