i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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