You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
