Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
